Toxic Masculinity

 I have a separate blog page, where you can read this blog here.

As of the writing of this blog post, it feels like what was intended to be a blogging page on my religious views has started to become a page on sexual misconduct and misogyny.  Here I am, yet again, addressing the issue.  In light of the #MeToo movement and also multiple shootings, we need to discuss what may possibly be the biggest underlying problem of it all, toxic masculinity.

In my confession blogs in regards to #MeToo, I skipped confessing to my absolute worst behavior against women, due to the fact that those actions were so obviously terrible, they weren't under the label of sexual misconduct, and I was not even ten years old at the time.  As a warning, these are not pleasant stories, and thinking that a nine-year-old would never do something like that is completely incorrect.  I was nine years old, and I did.

• In third grade, the boys in my class approached me, and we happily formed the "all boys club." I was super excited to be part of it.  I felt a place of belonging with the other boys.  What did this "club" do?  You're not going to like it.  During recess, we'd run after, and beat up, the girls. Yes, you read that right.  Nine-year-old boys beating up girls during recess.  Looking at it now, with how much our school had an emphasis on non-violence, I really wonder how none of the teachers or supervisors caught us.  It wasn't until a girl came forward to our teacher, saying that I hit her with my lunchbox, that any adult did or said anything.
• The following year during recess, a boy blocked me from entering a spot of the playground saying "no girls allowed."  I got through, but I also then felt the need to prove that I was a boy.  I decided to be as aggressive as I could, blocking all girls from that spot.  That happened for days, if not weeks, until all the girls rose up against me, and turned the tables.

The teachers didn't teach this behavior to us.  They'd probably teach against it.  My parents, and probably the parents of other kids as well, possibly taught against this behavior as well.  At least, they didn't teach it to us directly.  On television, there were continuously commercials for toy cars, tanks, and guns, marketed for boys.  Girls were sold pretty dolls and clothes.  Teachers may have also told boys to not cry, while asking girls what was wrong when they did.

In movies and TV, you regularly see the male star not expressing emotions, regularly resorting to violence, and somehow charming a woman, possibly against her will.  Indiana Jones and James Bond are just a couple of examples.  Actors like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were regularly examples of this.  These were all people that boys were taught to look up to as heroes.  In the music industry, when I was a kid, Eminem was what we were all supposed to listen to.  He regularly rapped about being tough, and made remarks objectifying women.  By then, I was more fond of *NSYNC, who were marketed towards girls.  Even there, however, songs like "It's Gonna Be Me" or "I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys taught boys to be forceful and insistent.  Boys were also exposed to football and wrestling, places where men are taught to be aggressive and strong.

With all of these things that boys are exposed to, should anyone really be surprised with the sexist behavior I was lured into at such a young age?  Did my teachers really teach against it, or did they just disapprove and speak against it?  Boys are exposed to seeing several bad examples on how they're supposed to behave.

Within all of this, however, there have been a few male role models for boys that have gone against the ideas of toxic masculinity.  Mr. Rogers, for example, is gentle, kind, and always shows a positive outlook on life.  In the children's anime show,  Yu-Gi-Oh!, there are a few times where the title character, Yugi, breaks down and cries, expressing doubts and fears, and he continuously values love and friendship.  He even surrenders a duel when it means risking the life of his opponent.

The show, Xena: Warrior Princess, has quite a few men who are soft and gentle.  Perdicas, introduced in the first episode, who makes a couple more appearances, gives up fighting, and wants to live a quiet life with Gabrielle.  Darius, a character in the second episode, is a widowed father to children, who lives a life of peace.  Neron, a character inspired by Romeo from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, doesn't take things into his hands, but desperately prays to Cupid for help.  He's expressive of his emotions, and his entire character is based off of being in love with a woman named Hermia.  The fourth season introduces the character of Eli, someone who chooses pacifism as the way of living, and talks about love and compassion.  When attacked by Roman soldiers, he willingly surrenders, to the dismay of Amarice, a woman who expresses many of the traits of toxic masculinity.  Eli also expresses many doubts about himself in the show.

Eli, however, was inspired by another example that breaks away from the stereotypes of toxic masculinity, Jesus.  Although a lot of men who identify as Christians claim Jesus to have been a man's man, he continuously talks about love.  Love for your enemies.  Love for your neighbor.  Love.  When one of his disciples picks up a sword to defend him, he even tells his disciple to put their sword away, for "those who live by the sword shall die by the sword."  When tortured and beaten, he accepts the pain and abuse, rather than showing his dominance.  Instead of trying to take control when being crucified, he prays "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."

It's quite ironic that Jesus, who is probably the most recognized male figure in western culture, is also quite the antithesis of toxic masculinity.  However, he's not the only major figure.  Rishabhanatha, the said founder of Jainism is another positive example.  Jainism emphasizes no violence, and it even adds to be gentle to animals, including mosquitoes.  Buddha is another great example, and emphasizes gentleness, compassion, and finding one's inner peace.

In our society, we can maybe have a few male characters who show their strength and might.  However, what we desperately need are more men who are gentle, loving, willing to cry, and sometimes willing to accept what is out of their control.  Toxic masculinity is a problematic attitude of how men should be, which we need to stop teaching boys from an early age.

Shalom!

Sexual Misconduct Ingrained in Society

I wrote an updated version of this on a separate page which can be read here.

Before getting to this post, I want to begin by commenting that I'm up for criticism at the moment, and if there are any critiques you can give, they would be greatly appreciated.

As of the writing of this blog post, a few months ago, I posted one called "Me Too" is Our Fault.  It was a list of things I'd done to women that fall under the category of sexual harassment or sexual assault.  In it, I pointed out that while committing all these acts, I was also a strong advocate for women's equality.  I looked down upon the sexism in our society, and I had a negative view on sexual harassment and assault.  I commented that although I'd seemingly be a good ally to all the women who posted #MeToo, I was unaware that I was also one that others would be writing #MeToo about.  Not all harassment is obvious.  All men need to look at their behavior.  This behavior is so deeply engrained into our society.

Some, including the writer who inspired my confession post, have commented that a major source of the problem is toxic masculinity.  There are many ways that society has taught men to sexually assault women which one fantastic article points out.  Toxic masculinity is possibly the source of most of these problems, but it gets far more complicated.

One of the women who read my previous post commented that many of my past actions would be perfectly acceptable in a society where women and men were treated as equals.  However, we do not live in such a society.  Men need to be more aware.  I'm going to confess a few more moments that I didn't include in my previous post.

Around the end of my college years, I was part of a student charity group.  The woman who lead the group had the idea of having us all make Valentine's Day cards, and hand them out to random people, as a way of spreading love.  Although it was nice for kids, adults were weirded out.  The moment I recall was trying to hand one to a woman, and she moved her head back, extremely weirded out.  This was a great idea in concept, but it probably wasn't such a good idea in practice.

There was something else I started doing, when trying to become more neighborly to people.  I'd try to make eye contact with, and smile at, every person I walked past, men and women.  I then learned about how women are creeped out by men looking at them.  As an alternative, I decided to do something I'd seen men do with other men, but never with women.  Look and do a big nod with an extremely straight face.  A month after seeing the many #MeToo posts, I got together with a few women to discuss the issue.  Around the end, I told one of them about the straight-faced nods, and she commented that that's really creepy.  It would be nice to be in a situation where everyone could be neighborly and say 'hi' to everyone they walked past.  However, we do not live in such a society.

The third moment was when I was conversing with a woman, I walked towards her in a way that had been suggested from a video on flirtation.  I have no idea if she felt uncomfortable or not, but with later interactions throughout the week, I now have a feeling that she probably developed discomfort about me.

Although this does not excuse my behavior, something that was a major cause of that was that I had been advised to do that from a video on flirtation.  My intentions were always to be in a romantic relationship, not to use a woman for sex.  I would have graciously accepted no for an answer if I had asked her out.  If it were about sex, I would make sure that she was more than willing.  However, as one woman comments on in a fantastic video she did on street harassment, there are so many men who have certain intentions, so you can't always tell who genuinely thinks of the woman as a person rather than a play toy.

The other big problem here is that I was taking advice on flirtation and dating from someone with major male privilege, who experiences life as a man.  I've noticed that a lot of men give each other advice on dating and relationships, but how many of them get that advice from women?  It's been taught to them by other men and by society.  I have a memory from my first semester of college.  One of my classmates was talking about when he had an eyepatch.  Another man commented that women love eyepatches.  The one woman in the room said words to the effect of "No, not really."  Instead of listening, it was next to dismissed when one of the men commented something to the effect of, "but they like hearing the stories of how it happened."

I remember a couple of weeks before all those #MeToo posts happened, I came across a dating advice page on Facebook.  The first thing I saw from it was about mind games.  A comment made was that when women say they want honesty instead of mind games, they're just paying lip service.  "Of course women are going to say that," the guy said, "but that's not what they really want."  The mentality that women are just paying lip service is one of the many reasons that women aren't listened to.  Our society has been taught in movies that when women are resistant, they truly want it, but men just have to be forceful.  There are many places where society has taught this behavior.

My main point here is that men come from a place of having male privilege.  Although gender stereotypes are a societal problem, we also need to be aware that women experience the world differently from men.  When asking for dating advice or talking about relationships, sexuality, flirtation, etc., it might be better for cishet men to talk with women about it.

There are many more ways it's engrained into our society.

As a teenager, I recall seeing an Arby's Commercial where three male construction workers are sitting by.  They look at one woman who passes by, and then another.  After that, one of the construction workers gets excited, starts hollering, and the other two join in with the catcalling.  The viewer of the commercial then sees that the person they're all shouting at is a bald guy eating food from Arby's.  He looks at them, a bit weirded out at first, but he gives a smile.  The message that this commercial sends is that catcalling is a compliment.  This commercial encourages men to catcall women.  It says that this is how men behave in our society, but the fact that the actual catcalling in this commercial is being directed towards a man says something else.  It says that this is not dehumanizing, but complimenting.  All the women who've experienced catcalling on a regular basis, however, will tell you that it is sometimes downright scary.

There's another commercial that comes to mind, which seems completely innocent in comparison, but it isn't.  It's an AT&T Commercial.  In it, the viewer sees a future president, with his parents looking at each other and smiling.  It flashes back through the lives of the president-to-be and parents, going all the way back to the two parents meeting.  The way they meet is the man sees the woman on a train.  They make eye contact, the man changes his travel plan on his phone, gets on the train, and sits next to her.  On the surface, this doesn't seem sexist at all.  However, there are some points that need to be made.

As mentioned above, if this was in a society where women didn't deal with sexual harassment on a regular basis, and didn't frequently fear being sexually assaulted in public places, this commercial would possibly be perfectly fine.  However, we do not live in such a society.  A bigger problem is that this commercial gives unrealistic expectations on how romances begin.  There might have been relationships that started out on a bus or a train.  However, they've likely started from casual small talk, rather than from a man looking at a woman, finding her beautiful, and suddenly running on the train, in awe of her beauty.  We're taught that relationships begin from a man randomly crossing paths with a woman, being in awe of her beauty, and she magically falls in love.  However, that is not how these things happen.

Although we as men have to look at our past actions and realize that we are all to blame for the sexual abuse that women face, we also need to look at the sources of that problem, and find ways to rid our patriarchal society of his many faces.  We also need to try to understand how women experience the world, and be aware of that.