Before getting to this post, I want to begin by commenting that I'm up for criticism at the moment, and if there are any critiques you can give, they would be greatly appreciated.
As of the writing of this blog post, a few months ago, I posted one called "Me Too" is Our Fault. It was a list of things I'd done to women that fall under the category of sexual harassment or sexual assault. In it, I pointed out that while committing all these acts, I was also a strong advocate for women's equality. I looked down upon the sexism in our society, and I had a negative view on sexual harassment and assault. I commented that although I'd seemingly be a good ally to all the women who posted #MeToo, I was unaware that I was also one that others would be writing #MeToo about. Not all harassment is obvious. All men need to look at their behavior. This behavior is so deeply engrained into our society.
Some, including the writer who inspired my confession post, have commented that a major source of the problem is toxic masculinity. There are many ways that society has taught men to sexually assault women which one fantastic article points out. Toxic masculinity is possibly the source of most of these problems, but it gets far more complicated.
One of the women who read my previous post commented that many of my past actions would be perfectly acceptable in a society where women and men were treated as equals. However, we do not live in such a society. Men need to be more aware. I'm going to confess a few more moments that I didn't include in my previous post.
Around the end of my college years, I was part of a student charity group. The woman who lead the group had the idea of having us all make Valentine's Day cards, and hand them out to random people, as a way of spreading love. Although it was nice for kids, adults were weirded out. The moment I recall was trying to hand one to a woman, and she moved her head back, extremely weirded out. This was a great idea in concept, but it probably wasn't such a good idea in practice.
There was something else I started doing, when trying to become more neighborly to people. I'd try to make eye contact with, and smile at, every person I walked past, men and women. I then learned about how women are creeped out by men looking at them. As an alternative, I decided to do something I'd seen men do with other men, but never with women. Look and do a big nod with an extremely straight face. A month after seeing the many #MeToo posts, I got together with a few women to discuss the issue. Around the end, I told one of them about the straight-faced nods, and she commented that that's really creepy. It would be nice to be in a situation where everyone could be neighborly and say 'hi' to everyone they walked past. However, we do not live in such a society.
Although this does not excuse my behavior, something that was a major cause of that was that I had been advised to do that from a video on flirtation. My intentions were always to be in a romantic relationship, not to use a woman for sex. I would have graciously accepted no for an answer if I had asked her out. If it were about sex, I would make sure that she was more than willing. However, as one woman comments on in a fantastic video she did on street harassment, there are so many men who have certain intentions, so you can't always tell who genuinely thinks of the woman as a person rather than a play toy.
The other big problem here is that I was taking advice on flirtation and dating from someone with major male privilege, who experiences life as a man. I've noticed that a lot of men give each other advice on dating and relationships, but how many of them get that advice from women? It's been taught to them by other men and by society. I have a memory from my first semester of college. One of my classmates was talking about when he had an eyepatch. Another man commented that women love eyepatches. The one woman in the room said words to the effect of "No, not really." Instead of listening, it was next to dismissed when one of the men commented something to the effect of, "but they like hearing the stories of how it happened."
I remember a couple of weeks before all those #MeToo posts happened, I came across a dating advice page on Facebook. The first thing I saw from it was about mind games. A comment made was that when women say they want honesty instead of mind games, they're just paying lip service. "Of course women are going to say that," the guy said, "but that's not what they really want." The mentality that women are just paying lip service is one of the many reasons that women aren't listened to. Our society has been taught in movies that when women are resistant, they truly want it, but men just have to be forceful. There are many places where society has taught this behavior.
My main point here is that men come from a place of having male privilege. Although gender stereotypes are a societal problem, we also need to be aware that women experience the world differently from men. When asking for dating advice or talking about relationships, sexuality, flirtation, etc., it might be better for cishet men to talk with women about it.
There are many more ways it's engrained into our society.
As a teenager, I recall seeing an Arby's Commercial where three male construction workers are sitting by. They look at one woman who passes by, and then another. After that, one of the construction workers gets excited, starts hollering, and the other two join in with the catcalling. The viewer of the commercial then sees that the person they're all shouting at is a bald guy eating food from Arby's. He looks at them, a bit weirded out at first, but he gives a smile. The message that this commercial sends is that catcalling is a compliment. This commercial encourages men to catcall women. It says that this is how men behave in our society, but the fact that the actual catcalling in this commercial is being directed towards a man says something else. It says that this is not dehumanizing, but complimenting. All the women who've experienced catcalling on a regular basis, however, will tell you that it is sometimes downright scary.
There's another commercial that comes to mind, which seems completely innocent in comparison, but it isn't. It's an AT&T Commercial. In it, the viewer sees a future president, with his parents looking at each other and smiling. It flashes back through the lives of the president-to-be and parents, going all the way back to the two parents meeting. The way they meet is the man sees the woman on a train. They make eye contact, the man changes his travel plan on his phone, gets on the train, and sits next to her. On the surface, this doesn't seem sexist at all. However, there are some points that need to be made.
As mentioned above, if this was in a society where women didn't deal with sexual harassment on a regular basis, and didn't frequently fear being sexually assaulted in public places, this commercial would possibly be perfectly fine. However, we do not live in such a society. A bigger problem is that this commercial gives unrealistic expectations on how romances begin. There might have been relationships that started out on a bus or a train. However, they've likely started from casual small talk, rather than from a man looking at a woman, finding her beautiful, and suddenly running on the train, in awe of her beauty. We're taught that relationships begin from a man randomly crossing paths with a woman, being in awe of her beauty, and she magically falls in love. However, that is not how these things happen.
Although we as men have to look at our past actions and realize that we are all to blame for the sexual abuse that women face, we also need to look at the sources of that problem, and find ways to rid our patriarchal society of his many faces. We also need to try to understand how women experience the world, and be aware of that.
